I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that we are days away from entering 2015. Where are all these years going? I feel like it wasn’t long ago that the world was in an uproar over the coming of the year 2000 and Y2K. So how in the world is it nearly 15 years later. Answer? I’m in my (gag) 30s now. And how did that happen?!

2014 has been a tough one. Much tougher than I thought, because I don’t remember being terribly fond of 2013 either. In reflecting on the last 12 months, I feel like it has been my toughest personally, as a mother, physically and on my marriage. We have been through incredibly trying changes, big disappointments, challenges and transitions. Just before we welcomed Sweet B I declared to a friend, “I cannot handle one more change or transition! I will literally lose my mind if I have to deal with one more thing.” Word to the wise, never declare anything like that. It’s equal to saying “It can’t get any worse.” As we all know, it can, and it will.

This is not to say that my life is not full of incredibly rich blessings. I don’t ever want to short change or take for granted all the God has done. I have 2 incredibly amazing and healthy children, a loving husband of 6+ years, a supportive family, a beautiful home and a few golden friends that have been my rocks in these rough waters. But dang it, life is just tough. I think I said it best a few weeks ago when I declared to my husband, “I’m tired of being a responsible adult.” Hahahaha! But seriously…

Having said all of that, I have willed myself to look forward to 2015 with great hope, optimism and goals. I am not, by nature, a dreamer, but I have sadly seen myself cease to dream completely in the last few years. My days are too full of diapers, laundry, bills and To Do lists to dream, or so it feels at times. And that is a very sad existence. I don’t expect miracles in 2015, but I do have more hope than I have had in a long time.

My biggest project is me. But not in my typical perfectionist standard way. This year is about making real changes to bring forth true joy, instead of temporary happiness. Lasting peace instead of fleeting rest. Real ambition instead of effortless goals. Authentic parenting instead of social-network-driven performance. Deep love and dedication to my marriage instead of survival mode. I am excited for what is to come and I am praying for success.

What are your goals for this new year?

Cheers to 2015!

Greetings my long lost blog world. It has been ages since I’ve put words to paper (or screen, in this case). My head has been swimming with things to share and poignant moments of motherhood, but my mind and body have been very tired and oftentimes overwhelmed as well. Being a mom to two boys under the age of 2.5 years is not easy. It is filled with endless love, mind-bendingly awesome moments, silly and sometimes gross happenings and can be summarized in a heart that is full overflowing with adoration for my family. BUT… it is exhausting. I may have forgotten the toll that sleep deprivation takes on my mind and body and my emotional stability.

Before I get too far into that, we welcomed Sweet B (which is what I will call him on the blog) on October 1st just before 6 pm. He was another LARGE baby at 9 pounds 4 ounces and over 20 inches. He was also LATE, just like his big brother. But his delivery was much easier and much smoother than the first, though not without its harrowing moments. He is so worth the yucky pregnancy, labor and rough postpartum pains…

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Photo by Traci Farias Photography

 

My husband and I are in awe at the beautiful children that very ordinary people like us can make. It almost makes me want to have another one. ;)  And, as I was counseled, my fears were very unwarranted. I loved B the moment he was born and laid on my chest. I finally got THAT moment that I had been dreaming about since my first pregnancy (and didn’t get because of complications in labor). It was a magical moment that I will never forget. B is a very different boy from his brother. It has been a really cool experience to see how brothers can be so very different, even from birth. Little C was such an easy baby. I was lucky and blessed and I feel like God was watching over me, knowing that I couldn’t handle much more as a first time mom. This time around, God must have a lot of confidence in my parenting skills, ‘cuz this little buddy is TOUGH. Very needy snuggly. Very [ravenously] hungry. Super sensitive. I wanted a mama’s boy. I surely got one.

Motherhood is awesome. Growing up I was never the girl that dreamed of love, marriage and the baby in the baby carriage, but I got all of that, and it feels really good. The boys keep me very busy at home. A part of me misses working and wonders if I will go back, but I try to focus on this moment in my life. This moment that God is calling me to be a mom to our children. I have to catch myself when I tell people I’m “just a mom” now. I have to realize that being a mom is an extremely important job and that I need to invest my whole heart in it and the benefits are so much greater than a title and a 401k plan.

Soon, when my eyes are less cloudy and my head is more clear, I will share B’s nursery (which is super cute and I’m soooo proud of) and more of the happenings in our little life. For now, duty calls. Or, dookie calls I should say. Yup, diaper change time.

 

I know that an update is long overdue, but for some reason blogging is the first thing I scrap from my To Do list when the days get busy or exhausting. And, in my 9th month of prgnancy, EVERYTHING is exhausting. This pregnancy has been remarkably more difficult than the first. A summer pregnancy is the pits, to put it kindly. I am hot, tired, cranky, and sore a LOT of the time. My poor husband. I didn’t even rip his face off when he said he “couldn’t wait to get his nice wife back.” I know baby. I want to be the nice wife again too. Hauling around 40 pounds of extra weight on a bad back, pinched sciatic nerves, in 100+ degree heat sent the “nice” me packing long ago.

Despite having done this all before, I have been harboring a lot of fears and anxieties about this pregnancy, delivery and the days that will follow. This makes sense because of a few factors: 1) my somewhat hellish first delivery, 2) the fact that this baby is also measuring large, 3) the fact that our lives are in a huge state of transition right now (lost job, new job for hubbs, new SAHM role for me, etc.) and 4) what life with 2 kids will be like vs. life with one. Oh, and 5) Little C’s head-first dive into the Terrible Twos.

A few of these anxieties were calmed during our doctor’s appointment today where I learned that baby is doing awesome, still measuring well, but not extreme, and that I am already dialating! In fact, I am dilated to the point now (at almost 37 weeks) that I was at when checking into the hospital with Little C after laboring 8 hours at home, overdue at 41 weeks. Yay! This is encouraging and points to a faster, smoother delivery and the possibility of an earlier delivery (which thrills me). I feel ready. As ready as I can be. Baby’s nursery is ready (I will share soon). Hospital bag is packed. The Plan is set (who goes, who stays, who watches Little C, etc.). Car seat is installed. Excitement over meeting Baby Deux is in full force.

My biggest concerns right now really center around Little C. His Terrible Twos have taken a bit of a break and he has been rather sweet, silly and super fun to be around. And now that my career has been put on hold (or whatever this is), we get to spend a lot more time together. I love him so much. When I gaze upon him, I cannot help but worry…”Will he know how much I really love him?” “How can I possibly love another son this much?” “How will I balance the two of them?” Plus so many other worries and uncertainties. I know this is all normal and that I will love them both, wholly and completely, but I guess I just don’t want to lose Little C as my BABY. I still call him “baby” all the time and it pains me that he won’t be anymore, he will be the big brother. There will be a new baby!

I guess it’s time to embrace the joy of that little boy growing up… Getting bigger, taller, smarter, learning new and exciting things, talking more and becoming more of a big boy. Both joy and pain co-exist when I think of this. I vastly underestimated the emotional vastness of a mother’s love for her son. But I could not imagine my life, or my heart, without it.

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