The blogosphere is a very twisted world. I say this because I think the intention of women blogging and sharing photos and ideas from their homes, recipes, fashions, projects, hobbies, vacations, baby plans… and so much more is just in wanting to share the excitement of the experience. The other part maybe to try and spark some inspiration among their blog readers. I say that this is twisted because though a lot of the time I do feel inspired and love the ideas and things that everyone posts, the other part of me feels severely deflated and filled with a lot of… * sigh *, there isn’t even a word. Anxiety? Sadness? Unworthiness?
A lot of questions come to mind as I read the 20-something blogs that I’m currently following loosely. Most of them concern the time it takes to do all of these things, and the energy, and the inspiration, and the money and so much more. Do these women that I follow, most of them strangers besides a few friends, have full time jobs? Surely, they can’t. Do they sleep more than 3 hours a night? Do they have cooks and housekeepers? Do they have seemingly endless amounts of free time?
Then the negative self-talk starts in my mind. The stuff that says my house will never be good enough or cute enough and that I’m really not that great of a cook or baker or writer or photographer or wife in general and that * gasp * I’ll never be a cool enough mom, and if I try to do those things I will have no life and be just about the unhappiest person on the planet. Dramatic? Ok, yes. But there is just this side of me that wonders why I so often choose to be defeated by woman rather than inspired in a positive way. I wonder why we all do this to each other. I know this is true because of the conversations that I have with the few dear friends in my life. We’re always looking at that other girl’s amazing body and wondering how she has the time to work out. Or we’re looking at that lady’s amazing home and wondering how she was able to decorate it so chicly. Or we’re looking at our friend who is just about to be a new mom and has immersed herself in the world of “mommyness”… and who consequently has the world’s cutest nursery, all self-designed, in her house, oh, and who looks like she’s only gained about 10 pounds at 30 weeks. We aren’t at all criticizing them or even envying what they have… we just wonder, “HOW DO THEY DO IT?”
I guess it all sparks from the very blank and uninspired feelings I’m having lately. I so badly want to turn our home into something that really says “US” and that feels homey and comfy but still has a wow-factor. But I feel paralyzed when it actually comes down to doing anything. The thought of a housewarming party has me slightly terrified instead of excited. Instead of friends and family pouring through our house to share in our joy, I feel as if it will just be an excuse to come, examine and judge us and what we have and don’t have and to lift an eye brow at our color schemes and lack of design savvy. Will it ever be good enough? I realize that this is likely the work of the devil trying to tear me down and place incredible self doubt in me. I realize I need to gain control of these thoughts and gain control of the “joy-sucking” that I’m allowing. But how do I do it? How do I break the cycle?
The only thing I can resign myself to do is to stop trying to be perfect. Don’t laugh. This part is serious. I laugh when people often tell me, “You’re intimidating. You’re one of those people that have it all together.” Umm… are you kidding me? The only thing I have together is the button on my jeans right now and even that’s not looking good. I feel like a semi-wreck all of the time. I’m always wishing I was more organized, more creative, more energetic, smarter, thinner, prettier, funnier and just BETTER than I am. I guess we all suffer with that disease to some point. I just hate when it overtakes the good feelings.
The feeling I get when I can truly make my husband laugh until he can’t breathe.
Or, when I can go out with my best friend and talk for 8 hours straight and still have more to talk about.
Or, when I can bake a cookie that has people raving for days.
Or, when I take a photo that gives me chills when I first load it on my computer.
Or, when I get a random card from someone telling me how much I mean to them.
Those are treasures. And those are so much better than having a home fit for House Beautiful Magazine. Maybe it’s time for a break from the blogs. Maybe it’s time to focus on finding my joy again, keeping it, and turning my home into something that Ryan and I love and is just good enough for US.