I’m not usually one for confessing my worries and fears. I prefer to play it “cool like a cucumber” and save my overwhelmed-to-the-max moments for the quiet hours, locked away in my master bedroom closet. But in an effort to be more genuine as a mom, which I so appreciate in other mothers, I want to confess one of the deep fears I have in welcoming Baby Deux to our family in September. I understand this is a common fear or worry and that it resolves itself in the moments after you give birth to a second, third, etc. child. But I still worry….
WILL I HAVE ENOUGH LOVE FOR THESE TWO LITTLE BOYS?
I got the overwhelming sense of this the other night as I tried in vain to rock my 2-year-old back to sleep at 10:30 pm. He was unhappy, unsettled and through a quiet, mostly 1-way conversation, likely feeling the pain of teething his back molars. It took lots of soothing, Orajel and patience to finally get him settled and to sleep. I’m shocked that it is not impatience and frustration that come to me quickly, like they often do in other stress-inducing situations, but love. Love that floods over me for my strong willed little man and my desire to take away anything that hurts, stresses, worries or ills him.
I’m sure I have mentioned it before but my love for Little C came on instantly. Already huge when I found out I was pregnant with him, it became enormous when I gave birth to him and after a scary start, finally had him laid on my chest. We locked eyes and I realized that I was in deep, soul-filling love, already. And that love has proceeded to grow and grow and grow, in ways I never dreamed possible. It’s not that I even had a sort of “hole” in my heart, but something in welcoming him to our family made me feel incredibly complete.
So, when Little C turned 1, I started to feel that weird sensation of desire for another child. This was incredulous to me because the first year was a VERY DIFFICULT one for me as a first time mom. Mr C. and I even toyed a the notion of being a 1-child family. So, I knew that desire was planted there for a reason and it proceeded to grow over the months that followed. Though I was thrilled even before I saw the positive pregnancy test (as I knew without a doubt I was pregnant), my fears started to kick in instantly. “Two kids? How are we going to manage that? How are we going to afford that? Two kids under 2.5 years old?! What was I thinking? Will this be another rough delivery? Will I ever get a decent night of sleep again?” And the biggest question that I chew on day after day… “Will I have enough love for two?”
Mommy friends and even my own mother have assured me. YES! You will definitely have enough love. You will have more than enough! It will be the same and it will be rich and full and wonderful! But the fear is still there. I’ve thrown up lots of prayers asking for “enough”. Not just enough love, but enough patience, strength, courage, faith, money, time, balance and joy. Enough of what I need to be a great mom. Not a Pinteresty-put-your-best-face-forward-at-all-time-kind-of-mom, but a real mom who is there for her husband and children. I know it may be crazy, messy, expensive, exhausting and stressful, but I AM looking forward to it and falling in love with yet another man in my life. I mean, how lucky am I to have all these gentlemen in my house? 😉