I know that an update is long overdue, but for some reason blogging is the first thing I scrap from my To Do list when the days get busy or exhausting. And, in my 9th month of prgnancy, EVERYTHING is exhausting. This pregnancy has been remarkably more difficult than the first. A summer pregnancy is the pits, to put it kindly. I am hot, tired, cranky, and sore a LOT of the time. My poor husband. I didn’t even rip his face off when he said he “couldn’t wait to get his nice wife back.” I know baby. I want to be the nice wife again too. Hauling around 40 pounds of extra weight on a bad back, pinched sciatic nerves, in 100+ degree heat sent the “nice” me packing long ago.
Despite having done this all before, I have been harboring a lot of fears and anxieties about this pregnancy, delivery and the days that will follow. This makes sense because of a few factors: 1) my somewhat hellish first delivery, 2) the fact that this baby is also measuring large, 3) the fact that our lives are in a huge state of transition right now (lost job, new job for hubbs, new SAHM role for me, etc.) and 4) what life with 2 kids will be like vs. life with one. Oh, and 5) Little C’s head-first dive into the Terrible Twos.
A few of these anxieties were calmed during our doctor’s appointment today where I learned that baby is doing awesome, still measuring well, but not extreme, and that I am already dialating! In fact, I am dilated to the point now (at almost 37 weeks) that I was at when checking into the hospital with Little C after laboring 8 hours at home, overdue at 41 weeks. Yay! This is encouraging and points to a faster, smoother delivery and the possibility of an earlier delivery (which thrills me). I feel ready. As ready as I can be. Baby’s nursery is ready (I will share soon). Hospital bag is packed. The Plan is set (who goes, who stays, who watches Little C, etc.). Car seat is installed. Excitement over meeting Baby Deux is in full force.
My biggest concerns right now really center around Little C. His Terrible Twos have taken a bit of a break and he has been rather sweet, silly and super fun to be around. And now that my career has been put on hold (or whatever this is), we get to spend a lot more time together. I love him so much. When I gaze upon him, I cannot help but worry…”Will he know how much I really love him?” “How can I possibly love another son this much?” “How will I balance the two of them?” Plus so many other worries and uncertainties. I know this is all normal and that I will love them both, wholly and completely, but I guess I just don’t want to lose Little C as my BABY. I still call him “baby” all the time and it pains me that he won’t be anymore, he will be the big brother. There will be a new baby!
I guess it’s time to embrace the joy of that little boy growing up… Getting bigger, taller, smarter, learning new and exciting things, talking more and becoming more of a big boy. Both joy and pain co-exist when I think of this. I vastly underestimated the emotional vastness of a mother’s love for her son. But I could not imagine my life, or my heart, without it.